For the most part I've always been the pusher in the relationship. Trying to push it to the next level. Pushing for more attention, pushing for more affection, pushing for more of everything.
Then at one point or another I push too hard and all goes to hell. Inevitably, the harder I push the worse I make things.
This time I'm being pushed. It's suffocating, it’s pressuring, it’s unwelcoming, it's irritating. Now I see how pushing a relationship can push it apart. No one wants to be pushed.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Shaughn
I think it was 1995 when Brenda ,Celia and I snuck off to Surrey and picked up a Labrador Retriever from a breeder. We didn't let mom know, she didn't want a dog because of the extra burden.
Our new pup had a special colour that normal labs don't possess. He's not your usual black, chocolate or white lab. He was fox red. Well, a few months later we learned that he's a lab-cross, not purebred, that's probably why his colour was *speical* doh.....
We were searching for a good dog name but Celia said not to give him a doggy name "if you're going to treat him as a dog then you shouldn't have gotten him" (Brenda and I didn't comment on that, she must've been on something) So, we named him Shaughn , after Shaughnessy. Shaughn is the cutest dog in the world. He's a huge brat, incredibly smart, which makes him a bigger brat.
When mom came home we strategically told her we bought Shaughn as her birthday gift. She frowned and said no, take him back. She didn't want to clean up after him, take care of him etc. But we said we would do all that. She said no, who's friend does this dog belong to? Mom wouldn't touch him, she didn't want to hold him, her eyebrows grew closer and closer together. "Take him back" were the only words coming out of her.
It took a little convincing for her to realize that Shaughn is here to stay. The next morning mom had Shaughn in the kitchen and was playing with him. We pulled out our camera and she proceeded to hug him for poses. And yes, she became the care giver, feeding him, walking him etc. oops, well, we were all at work and in school, so she just ended up taking care of him.
In Shaughn's younger years we'd let him play in the yard during the day and he would perch on top of our stone fence, sitting very still watching people walk by. The tall bushes behind him and his stillness almost camouflages him. Most of the time people don't even notice him there and walk right on by. Occasionally Shaughn would let out a startling bark and scare the crap out of people. Sometimes I'd catch all of this from the inside, get a good laugh, run out and appologize then bring him to the back. But one day while I was doing dishes I heard Shaughn whining. It was intense and it didn't sound like he was just seeking attention. I ran out and found him on his side. His head was arched back and legs stretched out in spasm. I ran to him and saw his eyes buldging staring into space, he looked like he was in pain. I started to cry and I didn't know what to do, no one else was home. I tried to pet him but his body started to convulse. I called the vet and they told me to bring him in, but I couldn't carry a 50 lb dog, they were of no help and I never went back to that vet. I thought he was going to die right there. A few minutes later he came to, took a poop and ran towards me wagging his tail. I gave him a big hug. That was the first time I saw Shaughn in seizure.
Shake paw Shaughn
Shaughn continued to have occasional seizures since then, but a few days ago he had a two hour seizure that continued into a different kind of seizure. My sisters described him to be paddling and panting on his side for an hour and a half. This all stopped when the vet gave him a shot. He stayed in the hospital for 2 nights and now he's back home, but crippled and with undetermined neurological damage. His motor skills have deteriorated. He can't get up on 4's and can't feed himself. He has to be carried out to pee and poo and food has to be brought to his mouth. He's also suffered damages to other parts of his organs and is currently under intense care. He's scheduled for a neurological exam and is taking a long list of medications. His medical bills are daunting and will only get worse.
We can only hope Shaughn will recover and be able to walk again. When you've had a pet for so long, they become family and it's especially hard for Brenda since she's been the one taking care of him for the past years.
So this blog is for my Shaughn Shaughn.
Our new pup had a special colour that normal labs don't possess. He's not your usual black, chocolate or white lab. He was fox red. Well, a few months later we learned that he's a lab-cross, not purebred, that's probably why his colour was *speical* doh.....
We were searching for a good dog name but Celia said not to give him a doggy name "if you're going to treat him as a dog then you shouldn't have gotten him" (Brenda and I didn't comment on that, she must've been on something) So, we named him Shaughn , after Shaughnessy. Shaughn is the cutest dog in the world. He's a huge brat, incredibly smart, which makes him a bigger brat.
When mom came home we strategically told her we bought Shaughn as her birthday gift. She frowned and said no, take him back. She didn't want to clean up after him, take care of him etc. But we said we would do all that. She said no, who's friend does this dog belong to? Mom wouldn't touch him, she didn't want to hold him, her eyebrows grew closer and closer together. "Take him back" were the only words coming out of her.
It took a little convincing for her to realize that Shaughn is here to stay. The next morning mom had Shaughn in the kitchen and was playing with him. We pulled out our camera and she proceeded to hug him for poses. And yes, she became the care giver, feeding him, walking him etc. oops, well, we were all at work and in school, so she just ended up taking care of him.
In Shaughn's younger years we'd let him play in the yard during the day and he would perch on top of our stone fence, sitting very still watching people walk by. The tall bushes behind him and his stillness almost camouflages him. Most of the time people don't even notice him there and walk right on by. Occasionally Shaughn would let out a startling bark and scare the crap out of people. Sometimes I'd catch all of this from the inside, get a good laugh, run out and appologize then bring him to the back. But one day while I was doing dishes I heard Shaughn whining. It was intense and it didn't sound like he was just seeking attention. I ran out and found him on his side. His head was arched back and legs stretched out in spasm. I ran to him and saw his eyes buldging staring into space, he looked like he was in pain. I started to cry and I didn't know what to do, no one else was home. I tried to pet him but his body started to convulse. I called the vet and they told me to bring him in, but I couldn't carry a 50 lb dog, they were of no help and I never went back to that vet. I thought he was going to die right there. A few minutes later he came to, took a poop and ran towards me wagging his tail. I gave him a big hug. That was the first time I saw Shaughn in seizure.
Shake paw Shaughn
Shaughn continued to have occasional seizures since then, but a few days ago he had a two hour seizure that continued into a different kind of seizure. My sisters described him to be paddling and panting on his side for an hour and a half. This all stopped when the vet gave him a shot. He stayed in the hospital for 2 nights and now he's back home, but crippled and with undetermined neurological damage. His motor skills have deteriorated. He can't get up on 4's and can't feed himself. He has to be carried out to pee and poo and food has to be brought to his mouth. He's also suffered damages to other parts of his organs and is currently under intense care. He's scheduled for a neurological exam and is taking a long list of medications. His medical bills are daunting and will only get worse.
We can only hope Shaughn will recover and be able to walk again. When you've had a pet for so long, they become family and it's especially hard for Brenda since she's been the one taking care of him for the past years.
So this blog is for my Shaughn Shaughn.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
another "this is life" blog
I feel like I've been living the same day 365 times. My life has come to a stand still. Nothing is changing and I'm breathing stagnant air day in day out. I travel the same roads 6 days a week. I used to pride myself being a creature of habit. Wake up, eat breakfast, leave for work, work out at lunch, return to work, go home, eat dinner, chores and sleep. I liked it stress free, simple, relaxing, NO DRAMA. Now, I'm desparately searching for an exit. I'm not seeking entertainment changes in my life, not new hobbies or sports or weekend excursions. Frankly, I'm not sure what it is I am looking for. Maybe that's why I'm standing in still water.
Occasionally I converse with my friends about how uninspiring my life has become. Then I usually get a sigh, followed by "that's life", "that's what life is about", "c'est la vie" sure, use a different language, that sounds better.
Don't tell me that. This cannot be my life. I'd be quicker to gouge my eye out with a spoon than let this be my life. (Best keep HD away from spoons)
A smart advice I received from a jack ass long time ago was to consider the source of the advice. A little ironic here. He's a jack ass but not stupid. So, I was talking to jack ass about making career moves and mentioned how some people told me not to make certain moves while others encouraged it. Then he looked at me and said "well, my young grasshopper, are the people who discouraged the action successful or not? and are the people who encouraged you successful or not?"
Then I thought, did Bai Mei just called me grasshopper?
I probably got to this stage because of all the relationship changes I'm seeing around me. I've been single for some time now and knew of only one other girl who's single, and she's all the way in NY! Then suddenly singles are appearing again and I'm half excited and half reminded of the agony I went through a year ago. We've all gone through breakups before, but why is it everytime we go through it, it hurts just as bad as the first time?
VN told me that I should know if he is the one after dating for 6 months. She's 4 years above me and told me this when I was 22. I was dating her brother at the time for 5 years and I thought she was crazy. I don't think she meant for us to break-up, but was giving me advice should I date in the future. Her idea was not to waste time. Dating is like an investment. If he/she isn't the one and you keep daiting, then you're wasting time. I think about what she said all the time. So here I am dating this guy wondering if I'm wasting his time. We don't know where we're heading and sometimes we feel we're hitting a wall too.
For the past year my focus was just to keep myself occupied. Do something, keep busy, but I never directed myself to get somehwere.
It's time to move on, but I don't know where to go and I've gotten so comfortable sitting in this puddle of mud that I'm actually kind of scared.
Occasionally I converse with my friends about how uninspiring my life has become. Then I usually get a sigh, followed by "that's life", "that's what life is about", "c'est la vie" sure, use a different language, that sounds better.
Don't tell me that. This cannot be my life. I'd be quicker to gouge my eye out with a spoon than let this be my life. (Best keep HD away from spoons)
A smart advice I received from a jack ass long time ago was to consider the source of the advice. A little ironic here. He's a jack ass but not stupid. So, I was talking to jack ass about making career moves and mentioned how some people told me not to make certain moves while others encouraged it. Then he looked at me and said "well, my young grasshopper, are the people who discouraged the action successful or not? and are the people who encouraged you successful or not?"
Then I thought, did Bai Mei just called me grasshopper?
I probably got to this stage because of all the relationship changes I'm seeing around me. I've been single for some time now and knew of only one other girl who's single, and she's all the way in NY! Then suddenly singles are appearing again and I'm half excited and half reminded of the agony I went through a year ago. We've all gone through breakups before, but why is it everytime we go through it, it hurts just as bad as the first time?
VN told me that I should know if he is the one after dating for 6 months. She's 4 years above me and told me this when I was 22. I was dating her brother at the time for 5 years and I thought she was crazy. I don't think she meant for us to break-up, but was giving me advice should I date in the future. Her idea was not to waste time. Dating is like an investment. If he/she isn't the one and you keep daiting, then you're wasting time. I think about what she said all the time. So here I am dating this guy wondering if I'm wasting his time. We don't know where we're heading and sometimes we feel we're hitting a wall too.
For the past year my focus was just to keep myself occupied. Do something, keep busy, but I never directed myself to get somehwere.
It's time to move on, but I don't know where to go and I've gotten so comfortable sitting in this puddle of mud that I'm actually kind of scared.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Lake Mendocino
Beer never tasted so good and camping is unhealthy.
On Saturday CB and I packed up my car with a new tent and awesome camp chairs costing only $8/ea. courtesy of Target. I ran through my checklist then we headed North towards Mendocino County 2 hours away.
We arrived a little past noon, pitched our tent next to two neighbours. These people have tents big enough to call a house. All they're missing are some hinges for for their doors and glass windows. These things are huge! While tent shopping, CB and I even came acroos a tent for 8 people, dividable into separate rooms with an addition den for your DOG! The dog even gets its' own entrace!
After working up a sweat we headed straight to the lake. There, we baked in a 100deg weather trying to cool off with what little water we carried with us. Slowly, more people gathered then a man situated himself about 5 feet away with a lawn chair. He pulls out a pack of smokes and cracks open a bottle of beer and leaned back into his chair. I eyed his beer and without much hesitation we headed back to retrieve some of our own. Our beer was still slightly frozen which was perfect. The little floating iceberg kept my beer cold as I layed next to the lake. In that hot weather and an icy cold beer, I've never tasted anything better.
We headed back to camp after cooling off in the lake and started a fire for dinner.
Then someone started blasting country music a few camp sites away. I was really irritated at how inconsiderate they are, so CB pulled out his boom box and blasted R&B and Hip Hop. LOL, no he didn't but that would have been funny.
Dinner is when it starts to get unhealthy. We pulled out 2 pounds of Korean BBQ marinated the night before, about 4 pieces of chicken breast and some bacon wrapped peaches. I thought we brought way too much food for just the two of us, but with a couple of more beers, a bottle of Johnny Walker for CB, a few hits, the food was gone by the end of the night. I also cleared half a bag of marshmallows, which is a must have whenever a camp fire is around. I like to roast my marshmallows until they torch then blow it out. It's the most carcinogenic thing I can do, it looks nasty too, but the taste of burnt sugar is oh soooo good.
Right after dinner we drove into town to get some more ice which ruined the mood a little. That's the problem with car camping. You're often so close to some town that you wonder maybe you should just have dinner in town instead of firing up a grill. This one time camping in Vancouver, I was so close to home I was tempted to just drive home to shower up then drive back, or drive home, shower, sleep, then go back.
Before taking off, the neighbours' Golden Retriever, Barry (I think that's his name) must've loved the smell of our food because he'd come over all the time and sniff around the trees. Then I caught the dog taking two huge poops. I tried to shoosh him away to poop closer to his own camp site, but instead the poor dog assumed poop position and straddled to another poop site closer to our tent and remained constipated there. After he unloaded I walked over to the owners to let them know. Which made me realize. With these dogs walking around in long leashes, it's easy for the owners to be unaware/ or pretend to be unaware of their dogs' doo doo. Which means.... watch your step.
Anyhow, we spent the rest of the night chilling by the fire listenting to music then at one point CB woke me up from the chair telling me to go inside to sleep. I think I might have mumbled something about sleeping out there all night because it was so warm and the chair was comfy.
Breakfast.
4 chicken apple sausages, more bacon, 2 English muffins each and Starbucks Mocha Frappucino. The fire was still burning after we finished breakfast, so I proceeding to take the next logical step. Roast more marshmallows.
Now that's a weekend well spent, doing absolutely nothing but sitting around and vegging.
On Saturday CB and I packed up my car with a new tent and awesome camp chairs costing only $8/ea. courtesy of Target. I ran through my checklist then we headed North towards Mendocino County 2 hours away.
We arrived a little past noon, pitched our tent next to two neighbours. These people have tents big enough to call a house. All they're missing are some hinges for for their doors and glass windows. These things are huge! While tent shopping, CB and I even came acroos a tent for 8 people, dividable into separate rooms with an addition den for your DOG! The dog even gets its' own entrace!
After working up a sweat we headed straight to the lake. There, we baked in a 100deg weather trying to cool off with what little water we carried with us. Slowly, more people gathered then a man situated himself about 5 feet away with a lawn chair. He pulls out a pack of smokes and cracks open a bottle of beer and leaned back into his chair. I eyed his beer and without much hesitation we headed back to retrieve some of our own. Our beer was still slightly frozen which was perfect. The little floating iceberg kept my beer cold as I layed next to the lake. In that hot weather and an icy cold beer, I've never tasted anything better.
We headed back to camp after cooling off in the lake and started a fire for dinner.
Then someone started blasting country music a few camp sites away. I was really irritated at how inconsiderate they are, so CB pulled out his boom box and blasted R&B and Hip Hop. LOL, no he didn't but that would have been funny.
Dinner is when it starts to get unhealthy. We pulled out 2 pounds of Korean BBQ marinated the night before, about 4 pieces of chicken breast and some bacon wrapped peaches. I thought we brought way too much food for just the two of us, but with a couple of more beers, a bottle of Johnny Walker for CB, a few hits, the food was gone by the end of the night. I also cleared half a bag of marshmallows, which is a must have whenever a camp fire is around. I like to roast my marshmallows until they torch then blow it out. It's the most carcinogenic thing I can do, it looks nasty too, but the taste of burnt sugar is oh soooo good.
Right after dinner we drove into town to get some more ice which ruined the mood a little. That's the problem with car camping. You're often so close to some town that you wonder maybe you should just have dinner in town instead of firing up a grill. This one time camping in Vancouver, I was so close to home I was tempted to just drive home to shower up then drive back, or drive home, shower, sleep, then go back.
Before taking off, the neighbours' Golden Retriever, Barry (I think that's his name) must've loved the smell of our food because he'd come over all the time and sniff around the trees. Then I caught the dog taking two huge poops. I tried to shoosh him away to poop closer to his own camp site, but instead the poor dog assumed poop position and straddled to another poop site closer to our tent and remained constipated there. After he unloaded I walked over to the owners to let them know. Which made me realize. With these dogs walking around in long leashes, it's easy for the owners to be unaware/ or pretend to be unaware of their dogs' doo doo. Which means.... watch your step.
Anyhow, we spent the rest of the night chilling by the fire listenting to music then at one point CB woke me up from the chair telling me to go inside to sleep. I think I might have mumbled something about sleeping out there all night because it was so warm and the chair was comfy.
Breakfast.
4 chicken apple sausages, more bacon, 2 English muffins each and Starbucks Mocha Frappucino. The fire was still burning after we finished breakfast, so I proceeding to take the next logical step. Roast more marshmallows.
Now that's a weekend well spent, doing absolutely nothing but sitting around and vegging.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
The longest History
Doctor: Good afternoon Mrs. Sanchez, I noticed on your intake form you mentioned your neck is bothering you.
Mrs. Sanchez: oh, my neck has been bothering me for sometime, it's not really bad but it's always there.
Dotor: ok, so when did you start to notice it?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's not very painful but it's just there, you know? It's like somethings always poking me there but it doesn't hurt too much, but I'm concerned, you know, I don't know what to do about it. (Mrs. Sanchez rubs her neck) it feels tight. (Mrs. Sanchez turns her head side to side) Do you think it's old age?
Doctor: Do you recall having a specific accident?
Mrs. Sanchez: I don't think so (looks around thinking). It hurts from up here to here and when I sleep, I sometimes wake up because it's bothering me.
Doctor: (interrupts) ok, so when did you first noticed this?
Mrs. Sanchez: oh, it's been some time this tightness in my neck...
Doctor: (interrupts) was it a month ago, one year ago, two years ago?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's just very tight and sometimes it goes down to my back (points to her lower back), I think it's a pinched nerve or something. Or maybe it's just muscle, do you think it's just muscle?
Doctor: Mrs. Sanchez, I need to know how old this injury is. When did you first notice this? Last week? A few months ago? A year ago? two years ago?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's always been there (rubbing her neck)it's just tight...
Doctor: Was it a year ago?
***(repeat x3, 3 min later)*****
Mrs. Sanchez: oh maybe 3 years, then 2 years ago it got worse and now it really bothers me.
Doctor: Thank you. (scribble)
Mrs. Sanchez: oh, my neck has been bothering me for sometime, it's not really bad but it's always there.
Dotor: ok, so when did you start to notice it?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's not very painful but it's just there, you know? It's like somethings always poking me there but it doesn't hurt too much, but I'm concerned, you know, I don't know what to do about it. (Mrs. Sanchez rubs her neck) it feels tight. (Mrs. Sanchez turns her head side to side) Do you think it's old age?
Doctor: Do you recall having a specific accident?
Mrs. Sanchez: I don't think so (looks around thinking). It hurts from up here to here and when I sleep, I sometimes wake up because it's bothering me.
Doctor: (interrupts) ok, so when did you first noticed this?
Mrs. Sanchez: oh, it's been some time this tightness in my neck...
Doctor: (interrupts) was it a month ago, one year ago, two years ago?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's just very tight and sometimes it goes down to my back (points to her lower back), I think it's a pinched nerve or something. Or maybe it's just muscle, do you think it's just muscle?
Doctor: Mrs. Sanchez, I need to know how old this injury is. When did you first notice this? Last week? A few months ago? A year ago? two years ago?
Mrs. Sanchez: It's always been there (rubbing her neck)it's just tight...
Doctor: Was it a year ago?
***(repeat x3, 3 min later)*****
Mrs. Sanchez: oh maybe 3 years, then 2 years ago it got worse and now it really bothers me.
Doctor: Thank you. (scribble)
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