I feel like I've been living the same day 365 times. My life has come to a stand still. Nothing is changing and I'm breathing stagnant air day in day out. I travel the same roads 6 days a week. I used to pride myself being a creature of habit. Wake up, eat breakfast, leave for work, work out at lunch, return to work, go home, eat dinner, chores and sleep. I liked it stress free, simple, relaxing, NO DRAMA. Now, I'm desparately searching for an exit. I'm not seeking entertainment changes in my life, not new hobbies or sports or weekend excursions. Frankly, I'm not sure what it is I am looking for. Maybe that's why I'm standing in still water.
Occasionally I converse with my friends about how uninspiring my life has become. Then I usually get a sigh, followed by "that's life", "that's what life is about", "c'est la vie" sure, use a different language, that sounds better.
Don't tell me that. This cannot be my life. I'd be quicker to gouge my eye out with a spoon than let this be my life. (Best keep HD away from spoons)
A smart advice I received from a jack ass long time ago was to consider the source of the advice. A little ironic here. He's a jack ass but not stupid. So, I was talking to jack ass about making career moves and mentioned how some people told me not to make certain moves while others encouraged it. Then he looked at me and said "well, my young grasshopper, are the people who discouraged the action successful or not? and are the people who encouraged you successful or not?"
Then I thought, did Bai Mei just called me grasshopper?
I probably got to this stage because of all the relationship changes I'm seeing around me. I've been single for some time now and knew of only one other girl who's single, and she's all the way in NY! Then suddenly singles are appearing again and I'm half excited and half reminded of the agony I went through a year ago. We've all gone through breakups before, but why is it everytime we go through it, it hurts just as bad as the first time?
VN told me that I should know if he is the one after dating for 6 months. She's 4 years above me and told me this when I was 22. I was dating her brother at the time for 5 years and I thought she was crazy. I don't think she meant for us to break-up, but was giving me advice should I date in the future. Her idea was not to waste time. Dating is like an investment. If he/she isn't the one and you keep daiting, then you're wasting time. I think about what she said all the time. So here I am dating this guy wondering if I'm wasting his time. We don't know where we're heading and sometimes we feel we're hitting a wall too.
For the past year my focus was just to keep myself occupied. Do something, keep busy, but I never directed myself to get somehwere.
It's time to move on, but I don't know where to go and I've gotten so comfortable sitting in this puddle of mud that I'm actually kind of scared.
4 comments:
Girl, I totally know what you're talking about! I feel the same too. I think that it's a common feeling after getting out of school where there's the "goal" of graduation. But, with work, the only "goal" is retirement. And that's a LONG ways away. So, you can shift focus to relationships, but - again, if your relationship doesn't end in marriage, it's just an endless brigade of partners. After marriage, there's the prospect of kids and then you live vicariously through them. As a single person, there's really nothing comparable (unless you're a hollywood celebrity, i suppose)
But, as you said, c'est la vie!
Saying "c'est la vie" is (to me) such a cop-out answer. It's the verbal equivalent of handing your life into the control of someone else -- or worse yet, handing it to nobody at all, and letting it flow around aimlessly.
If it's a rut you're in, it's a rut you need to get yourself out of. And I've been in several in my life already, feeling like the routine is now TOO routine, that there is no progress happening in my life where there should be some kind of forward movement, some kind of "working towards something" feeling.
Sometimes, it just takes you kicking your own ass into gear and forcing a sudden discontinuous change upon your life. And making yourself stick to it, just to jostle things up.
Oh, though ... I suppose mine was a little drastic, moving over an ocean. (Yeah, I guess you do have to worry about who's giving you the advice. Don't listen to me.)
I think looking for someone new to date is a lot safer in keeping things exciting than making drastic career changes like me. Keep the income flowing, change everything else. Something's gotta click. How about a long trip someplace... backpacking or something. People tend to find themselves when traveling.
I found myself once while travelling. I was on a week-long hike through the Pyrenees Mountains (bordering France and Spain) with my homestay family. Gorgeous mountain tops, warm weather, fresh air. And then I found myself ... pooing on a hidden mountain face because I couldn't wait until we got to the hostel some hours later.
Or is that not what you meant, Van?
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