I was listening to Switchfoot in the car this morning. The volume was up as usual and I sang to the lyrics
Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead, yesterday is a promise that you've broken, don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, this is your life and today is all you've got now, and today is all you'll ever have, don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you want to be? this is your life, are you who you want to be? is this everything you dreamed you'd be when your world was younger and you had everything you need.
Then I thought of where I am in my life, this isn't exactly where I thought I'd be, emotionally, financially or physically. I thought I'd be married by now, in V-city and I should be getting pregnant about.. now, 'cuz I wanted two kids before 30. Instead, I'm single, in SF and still going through PMS. But I got to work this morning loving life 'cuz for a rare moment in my life I'm free of all attachments. I'm not rushing to get my homework done so I can talk to my bf at night. I'm not planning my work outs so I can rush home to be with him. I don't cancel plans with friends anymore. I don't have be the "good girl" he prefers. I don't have to hide Mari anymore. I never made him center of my world, but he was #1 priority. I can spontaneous drive off for a hike and not feel guilty that I should spend what little time I have with him. I told him I didn't move down for him, but the truth is I did. Now, I can move anywhere I want. Instead of saving up to buy him presents, I'm going to buy myself an "X bf birthday gift" on all my X's b-days. I have spacial, temporal and emotional freedom. I had a glimpse of it exactly 3 years ago and I had let it go too easily. There will probably come a point in time where this "freedom" turns into "loneliness" but not right now, not for awhile. This is my time to figure out who I am and what I want. Having said all that, if I meet Prince Charming tomorrow, hee hee bring it on baby.
12 comments:
Mari?
Singlehood is a very freeing time. Sometimes we don't really realize how much of ourselves we sacrifice for the significant other. It's not bad to do so in the name of love, but sometimes neither you nor your partner can really appreciate what you give up. And being single allows that chance to do whatever the hell you damn well please. Enjoy it.
With great husband and kids come great responsibility.
Incidentally, this is not where I imagined my life either. Back in college, I figured I would have my kids before 30 as well (so that I could still be young enough to kick it when they were in college). That got shattered, and now I wander.
Two kids before 30 is a hefty goal. I don't think that most of us in Ehclub have met all our goals. Being who you are and finding a mate who actually shares similar interests is important.
Singledom is a great way to experience life vicariously. Don't settle for someone just b/c you want kids - they're only accessories.
Accessories? girl, if mom thought of us as accesories she would've dropped #2 off, #4 then #1. I wanted to have kids before 30 so I can (still?) stay up late and catch them when they sneak out in highschool, I think that'll be really fun, for me. Plus, i'm worried I won't have the stamina to keep them in check when i'm in my 50s.
Plus, you want to be fairly young still as they continue to grow up through high school and college, so their friends can call you MILF behind your back, huh.
Well, I'm glad you finally came to the realization that singlehood is a good way to figure out who you are. It's better to be single and know who you are than to settle and hate who you've become.
As for the staying up??? Are you sure? You're kids will have no problems sneaking out on you! You fall asleep so easily.
I wanted 2 kids by the time I was 30 also but now when I look back at it...I'm don't know what I was thinking. I'd rather know who I was than to bring kids into the world while the mother was still trying to find herself.
Is this "accelerated life timeline" an artifact of Vancouver lifestyles? If we look at the majority of people we know back home and out here, I've noticed that most of the people at home are married or engaged. And most of them out here are still single, possibly in a relationship, or (more likely) bouncing from one to another.
Is it the slower, relaxed small-town pace of Vancouver that prompts an earlier settling down? Or is it the norm of high-tech, high-speed Silicon Valley that makes people want to think for themselves more and less about the realities of the future (and body clock)?
partly b/c vancouver = nothing else better to do. there's really no social life for people in their late 20s and early 30s. Especially if you're not caucasian. The fancy bars and such in Van are totally lacking in minority representation IMHO. and who is Mari?
Mari, MJ, you know. my yellow pipe. I think people down here are usually from out of town and came here to work. They may not plan on staying, so they don't commit to long term relationships.
I think there are just more options down here and people want to make sure they make the right decision before jumping into something big like marriage. Also, people are more career driven down here...hell that's why we all moved down here. And since they are more career driven, most probably feel like they should be settled in their career before making such a committment in their relationship. I know for me, I'd want to know that my future husband and I was financially stable before getting married...after all, weddings aren't cheap and housing is a whole other story!
Oh, MARI ... as in Mary Jane (MJ), Peter Parker's girlfriend! Hahaha ...
You know what that minx told Peter in Spider-Man 2?? "You can't get off if you don't get on." (I saw it finally, last night.) And near the end of the movie, while in her white wedding dress, she purred to him, "Go get 'em, Tiger." Nympho.
Be careful when you're single. After a while you just get used to doing what you want, when you want. Not that this is bad, but the longer you are single, the harder it is to keep a relationship. I'm not saying you should go find a bf. I'm just telling you I had a hard time getting used to it. Its all good now though. ;)
Anyhoo, all I mean is: don't get stubborn like me!
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